Searching

I crawl cautiously, in utter darkness. I carefully feel the ground, lest I should fall into an unknown abyss. I've not come too long a way. But the path has been sufficiently long for me to foget about returning. Is this the right path? I admit I'm not sure. But this is the best I can do.
So I start this freaky journey. I sometimes move my arms, as though wading through this dense darkness is going to bring hints of light...silly habit! But thats not the only thing I'm doing. I'm furiously searching...all in darkness you may say, but really, its not so dark inside my head. This is the only thing that has kept me going. But I hope to see hope. Too unrealistic a dream? Though I am inclined to deny, I cant yet see clearly how I'm going to make it all come alive.

Universe

A thousand violins sang,
Their hearts out-
As the notes of joy
Cascaded down.

They wished only
To rejoin the sea
Of infinite bliss

They were flowing away
I thought;
Before I saw them
Leap to reach the skies.
They kissed the clouds,
They transcended rainbows and mountains.

They flowed in the heavens,
As the Milky Way,
Conquered space and time,
And all dimensions of the Cosmos.
There they were;
Above ALL
I was one with the universe

Inertia

There’s this lazy air about some of these Sunday afternoons. They don’t let you do what you are supposed to. They only make you procrastinate. I woke up hesitantly at 8 in the morning. By afternoon, I happened to listen to music and that too brindaavana Saaranga, that was the end of it all- there’s something about its feel that just cuts you off from reality. A strange euphoria envelops the heart, it begins to rain! Imagine the bliss of showers from a cloudless sky! A weird lethargy simply numbs everything. It’s a very pleasant sort of sloppiness(I wish I hadn’t used that ugly word for such a beautiful state, but the reality remains that despite so much ecstacy that I feel, to the rest of the world, it must be looking like jobless sloppiness!).
The clock turns from 1 to 5 and I just remain wondering till night if it was minutes or hours that just ticked by. Nothing shakes the mind up; I admit its stagnation- albeit a very enriching one!
The mind wanders, jumping in one go, from remote past to future-far-ahead. It’s everywhere, but in the present, though in the real sense, it is nowhere. There is no thinking, but neither is there silence. I’m left confused if the state is to be described as extreme monotony or the peak of contentedness; is it extreme chaos or the peak of order? Is it oscillation? No-its not. Its both but neither. I give up-it’s totally uncategorizable.
The mind can not stick to one thing, nor can it remain still without sticking to things. It’s a fuzzy drunken state. I can neither sleep nor remain awake. Ha, try, you’ll know, you can’t get the darn mood off your insane head! Its stubbornness is as ridiculous as its looseness.
It dawdles on, till Monday morning squeezes it out! And then when reality hits …the Sunday soul simply commits suicide. But life goes on with the repeated birth and death of Sunday Lethargy and Monday Discipline. Sometimes I get bored of it all – is life all about these fluctuations, this fickleness, this unsureness? When I think about it, it shocks me, it even annoys me. I feel like a lump of meaningless existence, with nothing more than shifting states of mind as a theme running through. But when I look around, it appears (although I don’t know for sure) as if it were the same with everyone else. Life’s just taking us through these varying mental states- how boring, this world! On the other hand, it can be a nice roller coaster ride…doesn’t all that fun make it worth living our lives? Well it depends on how one sees it.
But for now…get me more lotus…coz’ I love inertia! :)

Music

I stood on my terrace and watched the sky-it was cloudless, absolutely. Like little diamonds, the faraway stars shone. Friday nights are so wonderful! A sense of freedom lets me let go. The horizon was so well defined. It darkened skywards and down on my light-polluted planet, it was all too bright. Bright yellow, white, orange lights shone brighter than little stars. But the almighty moon remained unbeaten. As far as I could see- land was full of lights. They looked rudely into my eyes while the unambitious stars, up in the sky, squinted meekly.
I had been listening to some great music for half an hour and by now, even my vision had been tinted with the beauty of the tune. It continued to haunt me and in its haunting, it somehow sounded more beautiful than the original! Every single molecule in me seemed to be swaying to it, while it played over and over and over again-and each time it sounded more overwhelming than before. The whole universe was bathed in the ghazal’s mysterious charm. A strange masti was closing in – every fear and every worry departed from this new realm I had entered and this feeling was totally inescapable (…not that I’d want to escape!) Even things that hadn’t, from any conceivable angle, looked beautiful, seemed to have suddenly taken possession of a grand extraordinary beauty.